I thought I liked solitude. I think I was just used to it.

Am too empty to write these days. Need some alone time. Lots of alone time. (But i must say, being with people has been much more interesting than I had expected).

It's frustrating how I can't write properly, I feel disgustingly shallow now. Also, this place doesn't feel as safe anymore.

I like it when someone says my 'camp life' is "funny". Having a 2 hour talk with just two others (or one) is the best way to end a camp.

So glad I've (finally) finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. I feel like charlie and it keeps me sane. Being with people is strangely addictive, a part of me likes the feeling of acceptance I get when I interact with them. But I don't feel too much like myself around people because it means i have to talk a lot. You end up saying things you haven't put much thought into. Still, I'm glad I attended the past 3 camps even though they drain me of so much energy (especially mental), I haven't had healthy social interaction with people for an entire year while doing my private. It's been getting better so far. I think I'm just slightly more open to the idea of interacting with people even if I know some won't be my closest friends in the future.

tired of social interaction

 I'm finally back in my room after two camps, with 20 years minus 1 day of life behind me. Tomorrow's the start of my last and final camp at NUS (excluding Tembusu&Arts orientation week), and I'm more than looking forward to having time to myself. There are so many things stuck at the back of my head, waiting for their turn to exist on pieces of paper.

There were times during the camps where I felt I was at places too far away from my own world, with sociable people all around me. Sometimes it feels like I am on a different wavelength with many and often chose the easier way out by keeping quiet. (excluding the random high moments) Despite that, Tembusu camp was honestly nice. Perhaps it's because we all know we'd be staying with each other the next 1-2 years which helped us put in more effort into knowing each other, but whatever it is, it felt homely. I haven't exactly met great friends yet (some people make friends where they talk to often after the camp), but I think I would in the future. The seniors are really nice, the girls my age bring more familiarity to this place. I tried to be slightly more friendly during Tembusu Exposure Camp, I guess it did work a little. It makes me slightly happier to be this way during camps. 

So, if the first line wasn't obvious enough, it was my birthday yesterday. I am 20, and I don't feel older. Actually, I don't feel much about it. At least I made myself feel less about it. I had 20 minutes in a car which wasn't enough to say the less significant things I wanted to say, along with a letter I've been waiting for. I had a chocolate cake with 19 candles to share with 2 ogs worth of people, and I'm happy the comm made an effort to get it for a random freshie even though we've only known each other for a few days. They got the 100 people to sing a song too. I didn't tell anybody about my birthday. I also miss my friends who are overseas.

My relatives (the second batch) have just arrived from hong kong and they are at the dining room with the rest of my family. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I just don't like talking about things that drain me of energy. I think that makes me rude and anti social. I'll talk to them with less people around.

And this place has had enough of me. I haven't replied to the "happy birthday!" messages because I was far too tired before this. Thanks for the wishes anyway!